Guess what? Today is a rainy day and i woke up late.It kind of sucks to do nothing now.
I was planning on going to St John's Island but i woke up late and it was raining.
My sister asked me why on earth i was thinking of going there because it is raining cats and dogs out there.
I got irritated because i felt like, duh i obviously can't go because i can't make it as it is still raining and the ferry leaves Singapore at like 2pm latest.
Then afterwards i felt guilty because i accidentally snapped at my sister. Now i am like just waiting for lunch and writing down stuff here.
Argh! I am so bored! I don't know what to do.
But anyway my friend's birthday is today. I just found out and realized that i have not gotten her a birthday present yet. Yelp!
I feel super bored because on one hand because i don't know what to do and on the other hand i know that i have to get my butt out the door before i do something but i just feel too lazy and comfortable to get out the door today,even though i desperately need to get out of the house.
I recently plan on writing short stories for fun again but i have no passion or mood to start writing and my confidence in writing is not very high now.My psychologist from IMH encouraged me to start writing down my emotions so that i can express them. Good and Bad ones. So i decided to start doing it now.
I have a confession to make. I think i might have some issues with relationships and stuff. Recently, while doing my internship and Final Year Project, I found out that I have this thing for attached guys.
I don;t know why but i find them more attractive then single guys.During my FYP, i started to have a crush on this guy named Josh who was in the same lab as me and supposedly he is already dating someone. Then i started to have a crush on my Internship supervisor who was like 30 years old and married and i was like, WTF is wrong with me?Why do i keep crushing more on attached guys rather than single guys.
After my internship, i told myself i needed some serious therapy. But i guess these kind of things just happen. I was too embarrassed to tell my psychologist and my friends about this and honestly, terrified of telling my family about this.
I mean, what would they think if they knew that their own daughter had a crush on a married man about twice her age.I guess during my FYP i got lonely because most of my friends were not there and they are kind of my safety net.
My Internship was worse, i barely talked to anyone except my sister when i met her for lunch and my future classmate and me were not close at all and barely talked. Except only once in a blue moon.
So i turned to my supervisors for emotional support. I know right, seriously desperate. I mean i talk to my friend sometimes on the phone but i still missed my friends.Ever since then , i have become more isolated from my own friends and family.Feeling more detached than ever. To the point that i am getting more silent everyday and i am afraid that very soon i won't even want to talk anymore.
What if i just got away from all of this and run away?Or just escape from here for a few days or even a day?That's why i want to go to St John's Island.Since i feel so lonely, going there wouldn't be very different and i get to escape from it all. Man i miss the old days when i used to daydream and not be so bloody afraid of everyone and everything.I actually almost had a total breakdown a few times during my internship, i almost really cried then.It was so horrible and i was so embarrassed. I kept telling myself to run away but i never had the guts to actually do it.Plus i felt responsible that i had to go through this hell to get stronger and hopefully one day it would pay off.
I don't know what's wrong with me these past few weeks, i always feel so angry and i feel like crying easily whenever nothing goes my way and people hurt me so easily.
Anyway i think that is all i want to say right now. Maybe i will type more tomorrow.I really hope i can start on writing stories soon. Right now i got no inspiration and confidence to do write short stories.
Maybe i will soon,hopefully. I just feel so tired and want to really rest well, i have not been able to sleep these past few days. I feel like resting my bones and sitting on a dock on a bay,wasting m time.
Ciao,
Sarah
